The Beauty of Small Gatherings

The holiday season is here, so different this year as we gather with a small “core” group instead of the extended family and friends with whom we usually socialize during the holidays. I have hosted a number of holiday gatherings with large groups, and truthfully, find these to be exhausting. I look forward to this new venue! Although our gatherings will be small this year, we will be together, healthy, and as always, have more food than we need. Yes, there is still so much for which to be grateful.

This gratitude begins with my “clean” home. For the first time in years, my house is clean enough for the holidays! In the past, I made sure that the house was thoroughly cleaned before anyone arrived – days prior to the event. The bedrooms on the second floor that nobody entered were all cleaned in preparation. My office, too, was vacuumed, even though there was never a reason to set foot in it. The bathrooms were especially cleaned, bright and sparkling, with beautiful scents, a candle, and nice hand towels ready to welcome my guests with warmth. I doubt my guests looked at my kitchen floor while visiting, but it too, was vacuumed, and washed. I have been told to clean after the guests leave, since that is when the cleaning is truly necessary. (Yes, I do that, too). But this year, we can live with its current state. My house is comfortable, moderately clean and welcoming – to us.

Another benefit of small gatherings is that there are no early birds. The early birds, regardless of the time they are told to arrive, appear long before that time – sometimes as early as an hour. Because of the early birds, I have learned to make sure I am presentable first, expecting these guests while I am in the midst of preparation. The early birds probably rise early in the morning, eat an early breakfast and are ready to go shortly after that. Perhaps, they get ready the night before and put everything by the door so they are ready to head out the door promptly when the time is right. Because they are planners, the early birds call weeks before the event to ask what they can bring; they want to make sure they have the supplies for their contributions. They remember everything, except to share why they arrived so early, because early for them is on time.

The early birds are also the “bringers”. They bring everything in large cardboard boxes – not shopping bags, but boxes. They enter with multiple boxes, and require help because they have many boxes. Most of the food they bring is unexpected, in fact, these boxes are full of surprises (even though they called to ask what to bring). For Thanksgiving, the menu is simple – turkey and fixings, following loosely the meal of that first Thanksgiving. Believe me, I love meatballs, I just do not think the Pilgrims had them on Thanksgiving. Perhaps, they had meatballs made from venison, but I think that is highly unlikely. And I love chicken soup, too, but the main course is turkey, so why do we need chicken soup? As it was always said to me, “The children love my meatballs.” Yes, they are delicious, but can we wait until Christmas?

Then there are the hoverers. The hoverers are not early birds, and they are not the bringers of everything. They are the social relatives. They are happy to see us, want to talk, have a glass of wine and get right into some real socializing. I too, love to catch up with my family members, but as the host, I have to ensure everything is prepared, put in the oven and not forgotten. Having large gatherings requires time management. But the hoverers do not mind, they stand and talk while I continue to work. They are not aware that I am not really present, not giving them eye contact nor responding. They will, however, move away if I need something near them, while sipping their wine, but they have no concept that I am busy. They do not offer to help or bring me a glass of wine. My effort to direct them to the table of appetizers does not go unnoticed, but they come back to chat once again. That’s when I grab my first glass of wine, and realize that something will probably burn in the oven, or never make it to the oven. It is in my husband’s hands now. And when the hoverers get too close to the workspace, in his loud auctioneering voice, he tells them to move out of the way as hot food is coming. This year without a number of guests, I do not have to worry about guests hovering around me while I prepare dinner. And, if they do, because it’s just “us” I will make sure I put them to work.

Regardless of hoverers and early birds, dinner is usually bountiful and delightful with nice conversation and laughter. But, it is over too quickly. The host is often the last one to sit at the table, and the first to get up to clear and get ready for dessert. The dessert lovers are plentiful in my family. Even if there is a designated dessert bringer, others bring a dessert. These family members call in the morning to see if I need anything (definitely not early birds) which I answer emphatically, “No, I am all set.” But, the dessert lovers do not take “no” for an answer. The dessert lovers bring something that they enjoy eating. And, they are very anxious to eat their specialty – barely after the host has taken her first bite. “When is dessert?” they ask. Or, “Is the coffee ready?” Because these are immediate family members, I provide the appropriate retort. “Maybe, we can clean up just a bit before dessert and let the food settle?” Often, they (adults) cannot wait and sneak a dessert immediately following dinner. Once they have a portion to satisfy them, it is enough. At the end of the holiday, they leave it all behind; their special treat is left for us to eat, freeze or toss. With not much willpower, this is not the best outcome of a large gathering!

In large gatherings, because the host never stops moving, the day does fly by. The host doesn’t have many opportunities to connect and engage with everyone. Before I know it, the day is almost over. That’s when the leaving starts. Just when I can sigh and relax, the exodus begins. It starts with the person who has to work the next day, followed by the person who has a long drive. And then, of course, because someone’s car is behind the person who has to leave at that moment, this person decides to get on the road, too. Once it begins, it is not over until they are all gone. Within thirty minutes the house is empty, quiet, and full of leftovers, dirty plates and pots, and no room in the refrigerator. And, just when I find a moment to talk to someone, they are all gone. The remaining family members help with a bit of cleaning, and mumble that they are tired and go off to their retreat that includes social media check-ins, Netflix, rest and sleep. This is when I decide that I too, will rest. This includes leaving everything as it is, having a glass of wine (since I was unable to finish one all day), and even a piece of that dessert. I then can finally breathe easy and unwind.

This year, there will be no early birds, hoverers, dessert lovers or leavers. The holidays will be full, but not with guests coming and going, eating and drinking. Instead, we will prepare and dine at a pace that is comfortable for us. I will be able to linger at the table, make the coffee when I am ready, or perhaps sip wine with my dessert. Cleaning will be almost effortless, and definitely quicker. I will miss my extended family and feel a void with less activity; the days will be a bit muted. Maybe, this is what we need this holiday season – serenity, and time to pause. Before we know it, we will be back to large gatherings. But for this year, I welcome and embrace small gatherings.